i have decided to become a sunbeam

riel fuqua

i have decided to become a sunbeam

and let this black body feel joy

from the nappiest loc in my crown

to the ashiest joint on this home

i get to call my own

i have decided to become a sunbeam

and give myself the gift

that i give to every creature

that crosses my path

the gift of feeling something warm

against my skin

i have decided to become a sunbeam

and touch it all

call in the dopamine and happy feelings

i am already in the business

of laughing too much

but i want to laugh even louder

i want to watch mary oliver’s wild geese on the skyline of riverfront park

until they get so little

that i forget how big they were

i want to be counted among

those magical ripples

along the water

of the tennessee river —

let me sparkle, let me be a miracle

in motion

something for the sad Black poets

to find a granule of happy in

when their supply is running out

i want sprinkles and pastels

on my 30th birthday cake

and i want to shed the happiest

of the happiest kinds of tears

let me be touched in my soul

let me well up at both

displays of humans giving themselves

in acts of vulnerable servitude

and let me well up,

equally verklempt,

when a cute plushy that HAS NO BUSINESS BEING THAT FUCKING ADORABLE

finds its cute way

onto my instagram feed

(and, subsequently, into my cart)

i have walked around here

being the night

darkness the shroud

that all my traumas of yesterday

wore as a familiar comfort

everyday

but on today

i am doing more than pining for joy

or romanticizing walking into

the river

a note of sorries and goodbyes

for the people i love in my notes app

on today

i am doing something else

because creating damnation

for my Blackness

because Montgomery has

already done that for me —

but bills do not eliminate

my soul being deserving

of joy

bigots and the people in my life

who knowingly misgender me

do not extinguish the flame of joy

burning deep inside of me

hate does not keep me from

the revolutionary act

of looking myself in the eyes

every morning

and choosing to color my world —

this world is so full to the brim

with so much

incomprehensible darkness;

i know, i’ve wandered it —

but even this much darkness

does not negate my internal light,

so on today,

i have decided to become a sunbeam

and let somebody else’s eye

catch me in the act of glowing

so that they do, too. ❤️

---

sending good vibes,

riel fuqua (they/them/theirs)

multi-passionate creative, healing artist, poet, and holistic voice instructor

859-270-4492

rielfuqua@gmail.com