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‘Shift’ denotes movement, a change of location, or an alteration in a state of being. Some shifts are subtle, but the flow is smooth and easy. Others are violent shaking events - a tectonic movement. In the last year, I’ve experienced several, both subtle and violent. I’m not special; almost everyone outside some beautifully serene yogi in lotus pose, experiences them.
The first 6 months of 2024 felt like a build-up of preparation for change. Its outcomes were a mystery to me, but I could viscerally feel the changes coming. About 7 months ago, I felt a shift. I had struggled all of my adult life with my sexual orientation— I’m gay, by the way. I lived without authenticity and in alignment with my true self. I don’t recommend it. It created a split within me between my false but acceptable presentation and the terrifying truth I refused to accept.
I was a teenager in the late 1980s. Being a young gay man in the rural south from a conservative Christian family was not the prime spot for that expression. It’s hard to breathe when you monitor everything you do - how you speak, the words you choose, how you dress, how you stand…. My shift came in late May.
I was driving to a standing counseling session. About halfway there, I caught my gaze in the rearview mirror (the only good for looking backward). I said out loud,” Today? Is it Today?” The answer ultimately was - yes. Uttering the words out loud as a statement of fact to my trusted counselor and no longer as a question to myself in the mirror caused a seismic quake—- a shift. It began the process of dropping away the falsehoods and embracing myself. It was an 8.0 quake in my life!
I carefully came out to a few close and supportive friends and then to a wider group. My second shift happened when I came out to my parents at the ripe age of 52. I tend to move at my preferred glacial pace. Uttering the words to the center of my father’s chest (I couldn’t raise my head any higher without fear of just exploding into hysterics) was another shift - - words once said that cannot be unheard. My parents are 82, so you can imagine they didn’t break out the pom poms in the front yard.
Shifts, by their nature, are unpredictable. My journey over the past 7 months has been fraught with shifts both small and quiet as well as massive and violent. Shifts and growth aren’t always comfortable, but they can lead to higher places if we are honest with ourselves.
My next shift happened the first time I looked across the table at a beautiful, handsome soul and felt sparks fly. It was the first time in my life that I experienced that in complete authenticity. We’ve been seeing each other for months, and I’m still not sure he’s ‘mine’ just yet (remember…glacial pace).
Lately, my latest shifts have happened as I’ve stood my ground with family members as they negotiated with themselves about how they accept, tolerate, or reject me for this part of me deeply ingrained in my being. I’m trying to breathe and understand that not all shifts are mine to make, not mine to orchestrate, and not mine to engage. The truth I brought has caused many other shiftings within myself and my family, akin to seismic aftershocks. I have been admonished all along by my ‘Sister Lynn’ to look for the light and pray for the highest good.
Perhaps I’m just coming into myself. Perhaps I’m sent by the Universe to realign my family. Perhaps my example will help another to be set free. Perhaps the answer to all of those is just - YES. One thing I’ve heard for many years. Go to that I quote pretty regularly is this - “the Universe wastes nothing.” — not energy, not intention, none of us. We all have a part to play in helping each other shift.
Jonathan David Cain is a native of Florence, Alabama, and has been the current Curator for the Tennessee Valley Museum of Art located in Tuscumbia, AL, since January 2020. He functioned in that role previously for several years before leaving to pursue a career in education. He holds an undergraduate degree in graphic design from the University of North Alabama and graduate degrees from both the University of Mississippi (MFA – Sculpture) and the University of North Alabama (MA – Clinical Mental Health). He is an eclectic artist who likes to pursue many different media.